Are you responsible for the way others act?
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Now, everyone likes to be on good terms with people around them. But sometimes even close friends or family don’t act appropriately. So how much responsibility should you take for changing their behaviour? Are you responsible for the way others act?
How far does your responsibility extend?
Take the example of an adult relative who behaves poorly at a family party in your house. Perhaps they shout at everyone and make rude comments.
Are you to blame for the way they act?
No – you’re not responsible for how they behave in any way. They chose to act that way. Even if they were drunk or high on drugs, they chose to take those substances. Everyone knows the impact of illicit substances on behaviour.
And if they’re plain bad-tempered or rude, they still need to accept the consequences of their behaviour. No excuses.
You can’t control their behaviour
So you can’t control what they do. It’s not in your power to make them act appropriately, although you can suggest alternatives.
And you can’t be blamed for their behaviour. You do have a right to be annoyed at the turmoil caused, though. And to empathise with family members who are upset.
Choose how you react
You can’t control someone else’s behaviour, but you can choose how you react. For example, here are some options. What you do depends on the exact circumstances of each situation. And ask others to support you if needed.
1 You could ignore the behaviour if helps the person calm down. However, you and/or someone else probably need to discuss it later. If you ignore it totally, you send the message that it was OK.
2 You can quietly let your relative know their behaviour isn’t appropriate. Then calmly suggest how you would prefer them to behave, so everyone feels more at ease.
3 Alternatively, suggest they take a break for a short while. For example, they could sleep it off, sit outside, go for a short walk or watch TV in another area.
4 If they’re very disruptive, you could suggest they leave.
5 In extreme cases, you could call police to remove them.
But don’t feel guilty if your relative damages their relationships with others. You’re don’t have to fix these relationships either. If their actions have caused problems, they need to face this. You’re not responsible for the way others act.
You have choices
You can also choose how you respond to your relative in future. For example, you can:
See them less often
Decide not to invite them to your house
See them only in public places you can leave easily
Not see them at all unless they show positive change over a long period of time.
You may be sad and upset at their behaviour. You may even understand why they feel and act the way they do. If you wish, you can suggest options that might help them.
But they may ignore what you say. You can’t control what they choose to do.
Stop blaming yourself
So don’t get stuck in a loop of guilty thoughts. For instance, telling yourself over and over you “should” have known this would happen. And that you “should” have stopped or fixed the situation. Or that you “should” have helped your relative cope with life.
Notice as soon as you start blaming yourself. Acknowledge the situation was unpleasant. Then remind yourself your relative chose to act that way. And they’re responsible for getting their life in order. Then focus on a more pleasant or absorbing activity.
These thoughts will pop up time and time again. Notice every time, and stop yourself getting caught up in them.
You can still care
However, you can still care about someone who acts inappropriately. As suggested above, you can encourage them to learn more helpful behaviours.
Be careful of investing too much of yourself in their progress, though. If you do, you’ll take on too much responsibility. You’ll be following every up and down in their life, as if you were actually experiencing it yourself. You won’t be able to get on with your own life. Remember, you aren’t responsible for the way others act.
So it’s more helpful to remove yourself from their issues. If appropriate, be an interested observer who listens, and occasionally suggests ideas.
However, don’t expect your advice to be followed. Accept you’ll be annoyed and disappointed many times, especially if you do get too involved.
Far better to remain a little detached. You’ll be more able to withstand the rocky road they may have to follow. And probably, you’ll be more effective in supporting them in the long-term.
So step back and allow others to take responsibility for their own lives. Trust that they’ll find their best path in the end.